Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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