Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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