I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
