I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
