it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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