Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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