I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
