her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
