im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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