I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
