Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My vagina just recognized that song.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
