I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
