listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize