remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
