What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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