apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
