watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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