It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
