dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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