I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
