If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
