I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
