her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
