I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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