Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY