Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue