My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
