Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
