Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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