I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
