just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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