Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
