my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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