I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
