Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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