i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
