my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
