see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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