I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
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The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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