I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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