turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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