i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
