Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
