just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
