i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
