haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
