sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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