i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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