My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
