cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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