I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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