wrigley field is MILF paradise
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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