Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
