Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
