I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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